Tips for living with teenagers

Although it may have been a long time ago, we were all teenagers once. Amid constant emotional and physical changes, being a teenager is a thankless time. We tend to forget our own youthful behaviours and outbursts, becoming exasperated by the same issues that probably drove our own parents to despair – and their parents before them.

This is our guide to cohabiting with teenage children/stepchildren/relatives, starting with a mistake most parents make with the best of intentions…

Don’t interfere with their bedrooms.

Teenagers are expected to behave like adults while lacking the authority to do so. One thing they can fully control is their bedroom, which is why it often descends into a cesspit of filthy clothes, furry crockery and fetid odours.

Houseproud parents will be tempted to barge in with air freshener and a vacuum cleaner, but this could actually reinforce a teenager’s compulsion to create clutter. In every sense, stay out of it; if you must intervene, try to work collaboratively. Don’t act without their permission, and instead negotiate small wins like leaving windows open or gathering up rubbish together.

Let them sleep on it.

Teenagers – and teenage girls in particular – are trapped on an emotional rollercoaster where the highs are giddy but the lows are crushing. They tend to lack the impulse control that restrains adults from saying things we’ll regret, don’t really mean or haven’t thought through.

When your offspring declares that they hate you, they probably hate themselves but reflexively want to blame someone else. When they declare they can’t wait to move out, don’t celebrate their departure too prematurely. Always assume they won’t feel as strongly after a good night’s sleep. If they do, that’s the time to take something seriously.

Listen but don’t judge.

Another problem teenagers face is the seemingly overwhelming nature of issues adults would regard as trivial – what a classmate reportedly said to someone else, or the emergence of a new facial imperfection. They often discuss these issues endlessly, and rather tediously.

Without becoming disinterested or zoning out, remember that you’re probably just being used as a sounding board, and don’t rush to judge anyone/offer assistance/change your own behaviours. Don’t be critical unless it’s genuinely necessary, and remember you probably obsessed over trivialities when you were young. We all did.

Give them jobs they can manage.

A key aspect of growing up involves learning how to be responsible – for themselves, for a house, for the bills. Teenagers often complain they have a hard time, without realising how much effort goes into keeping a tidy home, a well-stocked fridge and a positive bank balance.

As soon as they’re able and willing, involve teenagers in life admin. Create a spreadsheet of incomings and outgoings to show why turning lights off and not wasting food is important. Give them household chores (remunerated if necessary) on a rota, like they’d have in student digs. Above all, don’t do everything for them, since they’ll never learn if they’re not shown…

Share space effectively.

Building independence is crucial, but teenagers still rely on their parents for cooking, laundry and other day-to-day chores. These are best done without being in each other’s faces, necessitating clever and structured use of rooms around the house.

Cruden homes are spacious enough to co-exist harmoniously with teenagers. Use furnishings to support different roles in the same apartment – an office by day, a teenager’s living space in the evenings, a grandparent’s guest bedroom at night. Create rotas for shared bath/shower rooms, let them enjoy the garden on occasion, and try to eat at least one meal a day together.

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